Case Logs by Holmes, Sherlock
by wd50
Summary: After his recent return to London, the famous detective Sherlock Holmes has graciously made available an autobiographical account of his past crime-solving activities, in order for our teams to better understand and assist him in his work. A happy coincidence provided us with an unedited first draft of this record by the man himself, which we present here in its entirety.


**Preface:** We were fortunate enough to obtain, from an anonymous source at the Department of Administrative Affairs, records of the communications between Mr. Holmes and his friend Dr. John H. Watson regarding the beginnings of his autobiography.

The transcript of this series of text messages is faithfully reproduced below.

* * *

"John?" _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM_

"John? Are you there?" _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM_

"John?" _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM_

"John?" _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM_

"John? " _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM_

"What? This better be important Sherlock, I'm about to scrub in." _\- John Watson 10:16AM_

"Write me an autobiography" _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:16AM_

 _"?"_ _\- John Watson 10:17AM_

"Autobiography" _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM_

"Mine" _\- Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM_

"Write" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM_

"Please?"- _Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM_

"? Isn't that a little vain even for you?" _\- John Watson 10:19AM_

"It's for Mycroft" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:19AM_

"?" _\- John Watson 10:19AM_

"As part of my return to London, my big brother foolishly agreed to a committee evaluation of my psychiatric soundness" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:19AM_

"Their words, not mine" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:19AM_

"So? _" -_ _John Watson 10:20AM_

"And part of that evaluation is a case log" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:20AM_

"By me"- _Sherlock Holmes 10:20AM_

"Lol" _-_ _John Watson 10:20AM_

"LOL" _-_ _John Watson 10:20AM_

"LMAO!" _-_ _John Watson 10:20AM_

"'Dr. Watson's blog is completely unreliable. It is a cheap advertising scheme and should be seen as such. His portrayal of Sherlock Holmes as the fantastic, eccentric protagonist caters more to the imagination and internet sensationalism than reality,'"- _Sherlock Holmes 10:20AM_

"Also their words" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:21AM_

"I thought my blog was very down to earth!" _-_ _John Watson 10:21AM_

"Very trustworthy." _-_ _John Watson 10:21AM_

"Else we never would have gotten that many clients." _-_ _John Watson 10:22AM_

"So... Autobiography?" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM_

"Can't Mycroft get somebody to do it? Isn't that what he does?" _-_ _John Watson 10:22AM_

"He said no." - _Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM_

"I think it is revenge for making him morbidly obese in my hallucinations." - _Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM_

"He's always so petty." - _Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM_

"I can't receive any information on the Moriaty case until I at least pretend to cooperate, so just write them something" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM_

"Honestly, what's the use of having the British government as a big brother if he doesn't send you highly classified information upon command?" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM_

"I'm busy now, maybe later." _-_ _John Watson 10:25AM_

"But I NEED CASE FILES NOW!" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:25AM_

"Well, I gotta go, dying patient and all. Go bug Lestrade." _-_ _John Watson 10:25AM_

"Fine." - _Sherlock Holmes 10:25AM_

"Going to bug Lestrade, will keep you posted" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:25AM_

"Found Lestrade at crime scene" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM_

"Double murder" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM_

"Married ex-soldier and mistress" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM_

"Two clean shots to the head" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM_

"It was an old war buddy of his, killed the mistress to blame the wife, but the first shot was from 50 feet away, she never would have hit" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM_

"BORING" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM_

"Lestrade won't share his files with me." - _Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM_

"Apparently I'm only permitted back as a 'special consultant' on the Moriaty case, everything from Scotland Yard is off limits" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM_

"He still refuses even after I threatened to distribute all the porn on his laptop to every electronic device in the department" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM_

"I will ask Mary to make good on my threat- I'm a man of my word after all" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM_

"Mary said yes" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:39AM_

"Mary said no to writing my autobiography" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM_

"Will try bribing Lestrade into giving me cold cases" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM_

"He needs it, just look at his glasses" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM_

"What does his glasses have to do with it?" _-_ _John Watson 10: 41AM  
_

"You can see by the way he's been straining for the past couple of days that he needs new glasses, but he's not gotten them yet, why? It's not the workload, he'd at least give me a hint if anything new stumps him, so it must be money. It must be recent, that nice suit is obviously new. And it's not medical, or he would have asked you. London just released a bunch of prisoners on parole to save public funding. Conclusion? His brother with the gambling problem is back on the street" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM_

"Are you done with your appendectomy?" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:42AM_

"How did you know what surgery I was doing? Did you break into my phone again?" _-_ _John Watson 10:43AM_

"It's the timing John" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM_

"You were back in 16 minutes, including cleaning up I presume. Appendectomy is the only surgery you do that can be completed in that time frame but may still prove to be fatal if left untreated" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM_

"Will you write my autobiography now?" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM_

"Pretty please?" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM_

"How much do they need before they'd let you see the case files?" _-_ _John Watson 10:45AM_

"A page should do it for now, don't want to spoil them" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:45AM_

"I'll see what I can do about making you seem nicer. But it Is supposed to be your AUTObiography, so you'll still sound like a jackass. Which case? A Study in Pink?" _-_ _John Watson 10:45AM_

"Probably best to start with Baskerville" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:45AM_

"Explain away breaking into a federal facility and all" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:45AM_

"The Hounds of Baskerville then?" _-_ _John Watson 10:46AM_

"The Psycho-Hallucinogens of Dartmoor Research Facilities" - _Sherlock Holmes 10:46AM_

* * *

 _Except from "_ Psycho Hallucinogens of Dartmoor Research Facilities"

The first piece of relevant from the Dartmoor case was Bluebell. The case of an 8 year-old girl asking me to find her glow-in-the-dark pet rabbit, which had mysteriously disappeared.

It wasn't one of my better days. Not only was I in desperate need of a case, I had also been cut off cold turkey, so I dismissed Bluebell without a second thought. I mean the case was obvious. The rabbit got sick and the parents threw it out, telling her it became a fairy and flew away. How was I supposed to guess that the rabbit actually _was_ radioactive? I would need far more information about the girl and her parents, which in most cases, would be an utter waste of time and prime real estate in my brain.

John called it a lucky coincidence.

Of course, I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in probability. The probability that countless interesting cases were given utterly mundane descriptions by utterly mundane people. It pains me to think how many cases I didn't get my hands on because the all the relevant details were completely left out of the police reports and case descriptions."

* * *

 **A/N:** In case you read this before, the first chapter is basically completely overhauled.

Alas, I had foolishly tried to write a 1st person story in Sherlock's POV, which in fact isn't even _remotely_ within my writing capacity. So text messages it is, it's so much easier to only conversations and ignore all descriptions of person, place and thing.


End file.
